Are you worried your burger is not really happening right now? What if the burger you're eating is a bit 'last week'? Imagine if you sat down in your latest burger hotspot, only to find you've been duped, and you're actually sitting in a chain restaurant, thinly disguised as the latest thing, complete with tattooed staff, factory lighting and retro packaging?
Do not fear, my handy quiz will make sure you know exactly where you are on the burger cool scale.
1. Did you hear about your burger
a/ On the specials board at your local Geronimo pub?
b/ In ES mag top ten burger list?
c/ On twitter, RT'd by Chris Pople?
2. Are you eating it
a/ In a restaurant staffed by Australians?
b/ In a 2 day residency pop-up at a trendy pub?
c/ Near an old caravan at the side of the road after being anonymously tipped off?
3. Is the bun
a/ A supermarket bap?
b/ A poppyseed bun?
c/ A light Normandy butter brioche artisan bun, baked by hand, in-house, that morning?
4. Is the patty
a/ 100% ground beef?
b/ Home ground selected cuts, hand sourced from local suppliers?
c/ Fucking meat, man, cooked bloody. Eat it and feel your southern roots, cowboy!
4. Is it served
a/ On a plate, with a galvanised steel bucket of chips?
b/ In an ironic mass-produced takeaway style brown cardboard box, with the (still independent and proud) logo on the front?
c/ On the back of a naked stripper?
5. In it, is there
a/ A selection of salad, cheese and ketchup?
b/ Pulled pork, 'slaw', & your own selection of cheese (you went for American, to be authentic)?
c/ Maybe some vodka pickled jalepenos, half a bottle of tabasco, some cocaine?
6. To wash it down, you drank
a/ A glass of Pinot Grigio.
b/ A bottle of American craft beer.
c/ Neat bourbon.
7. Did you pay?
a/ You got it discounted at a 2 for one lunch deal from Bookatable.
b/ Of course, for you and your hipster date!
c/ Did you fuck.
Your burger is a burger loser, a patty square about as cool as Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Go to Gourmet Burger Kitchen.
Your burger is a burger wannabe. A blatant ligger, a groupie. It thinks it knows what's happening but it's a long way til the front of the queue. Stick to Byron.
Congratulations! You've got 100% fully qualified bad-ass Burger elite. You've probably just got back from New York, where you ate secret off the menu shit that would make Burgerac weep. I won't even tell you where to go, as it's still a concept in the mind of someone way cooler than me.