Monday, 16 April 2012

Ways to Convince People you are a Foodie

  • Insist everyone orders different dishes. They must understand that everyone must try EVERYONE’S. even if they don’t want to.
  • Take AT LEAST one photo of every dish with your noisy camera and flash, despite protestations of embarrassed friends.
  • Namecheck the owner / head chef a minimum of 3 times, just so your dining companions are aware of your knowledge. If possible, make up an improbable (but un-checkable) story about an encounter you once had with said chef. Thanks @johnny_mary.
  • Your companions MUST try the salt beef sandwich, or the slider, or the lemon pie. You read about it on like, four blogs and twitter.
  • Devour each mouthful with a grimace, and occasionally, make thoughtful ‘hmm’ sounds, and exclaim ‘not bad’. But not too much, you don’t want someone else to steal your opinions for their food blog. They might even tweet it at the table.
  • Refer to all critics, chefs and influential foodies by first name. Upon being questioned the identity of your ‘mates’ Giles, Russell and Marina by people who don’t know the London food scene intimately, you snort with incredulity and splutter ‘Hello?’.
  • Read the River Café cookbook on the tube, in Starbucks (even though according to Twitter, you are hanging out at Fernandez and Wells or the latest artisan café) and at every opportunity, making sure, of course, that the cover is never obscured. You don’t even really cook that much but it’s just soo inspiring.
  • When faced with, god forbid, dining at a chain restaurant, you sigh and make uncomfortable noises, reeling off a string of ten other restaurants you could have gone to in the area, before and asking the waiter ‘what is safe’ to order, picking at your meal with distain and drinking heavily.
  • It is imperative to be FIRST. “Oh, you weren’t there for the soft opening? Such a shame, it went downhill after that. The concept got way too diluted.”
  • Namedropping famous people who have been there (they don’t have to know it wasn’t at the same time) is also good for bonus points.
  • You are not sure why you like a dish, but everyone else likes it so you’ll just keep on eating it – if everyone else likes it, it must be good. Thanks @jameslewisland.
  • Sneer at people who shop at supermarkets – because everyone has the time, money and snobbery to shop at the local fishmongers, farmers’ markets et al. Thanks @gi_nav
  •  Pronounce it 'hhhhhoreeetho' 'pie-YEY-a' and 'brooos-KETTA'. Thanks @emmizzykay
  • Oh right, you paid? We were invited.' Tell everyone you didn't pay for the meal, even if you did.

4 comments:

  1. I was finding this funny until I started to get to the ones that I actually do. *hangs head in shame*

    ReplyDelete
  2. Melissa - this is AMAZING! Love your writing, please, please, please keep it coming! I *hope* I am not one of these people, but I do recognise everything you say in some people I know.

    Russell (not the one from the post)

    ReplyDelete

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